Can I just say I never thought I would be pimping a John Mayer song? Never. But my friend posted this video of her son’s first year of life and the song just hit me. Hard.
I wish I could say that I just have a case of the Mondays, but in fact, it is something more than that. The “baby blues” sounds so quaint, but it sure doesn’t feel quaint. I am doing pretty well during the days, but when we get to about 9 or 10 at night, I’m a bit of a weepy mess. I think we always knew that we would have to be on the look-out for postpartum depression because a history of depression is a big risk factor, but I was sort of hoping that the joy of seeing her, holding her would just gloss over everything else.
Not so much. We have this terrifically good baby who basically only cries when she is really hungry or has bad gas, and still hearing her cry just tears me up inside. She sleeps well (though her days and nights are a little mixed up) and eats well, and still I feel tortured by the thought that I am too sick and tired to care for her the way I should. With the help of Neal and my parents, I have been able to sleep a lot more than most new moms, and still I wake up panicked over crushing her or losing her or some painful experience she might have when she’s a teenager.
It’s part of the plan of life that this girl of mine will have sad times, experience hard things. But wow, the feeling that I will have to witness some of these and that there will be even more that I won’t see — how do I do that? And how do I stop playing out all the possibilities years in advance?
While we sort these questions out, I’ll keep playing this refrain in my mind:
No, it won’t all go the way it should But I know the heart of life is good
Poor Neal, his two babies get these mournful looks at night. Addison's is more endearing than mine.
Oh, you are doing so well. Everyone is alive and that is success. I’m glad you have the help you need. It might be too corny for you, but I just watched “Parenthood” (Steve Martin) last night and it really addresses the fact that things are hardly ever going to go the way you planned, but that’s okay. It’s also pretty funny. It’s not an answer to your anxieties, but for me, it was nice to see a lighthearted but truthful take on the subject. Good luck! You are doing great.
Comment by Rachel — March 2, 2010 @ 2:03 am
Oh Lindsay, I’m not a mom so I’m not sure what to say other than hang in there! Your baby is absolutely GORGEOUS and you’re definitely not the first to feel this way.
If it at all helps, I check your blog about 10 times a day, just in case. Even though most of the time there’s no update, that huge picture of her looking straight at the camera is enough to melt my heart and ends up making my day, every day.
Remember, you have family and friends that would bend over backward for you, even in Illinois. I mean, you probably wouldn’t trust me to babysit, but as a last resort, I’m there for ya.
Keep up the good work!
Comment by Brandon — March 2, 2010 @ 2:56 am
It speaks volumes about the kind of mother you are that you worry about those things. You have such a good heart, Lars. I love you, girl, and I’m so proud of you. I’m praying for you.
Comment by Chelsey — March 2, 2010 @ 2:59 am
Sister, I don’t have all the answers for you, but I can definitely send love and prayers and I’m available to phone chat ANY TIME. Love and LOVE.
Comment by Rach — March 2, 2010 @ 4:09 am
I agree with Chelsey, sign of a good parent is worry. The hardest part is taming that worry and keeping it at bay(not something anyone can expect a new mom to do anytime soon – shoot, my youngest is going on 4 and I just now feel hormonally level). It will get easier to some degree, life gets busy with a baby then toddler, preschooler, pre-teen, teenager – I think you get it. We can’t make everything perfect for our kids, but we can teach them and direct them and give them our best, not someone else’s best, but our best. I think Addison is a very lucky little girl! I think you will understand her, and although I haven’t completely raised my daughter, I can tell you the understanding and listening has created a bond and trust between mom and daughter, which in turn creates a little less worry for her future.
Love you!
Thanks for keeping us updated
(Just a side note – I heard curry is a natural anti-depressant)
Comment by Jolene — March 2, 2010 @ 4:52 am
awwww!!!! i’m so glad you liked it!!! it was what i wanted people to remember when they watched it. i know what that first couple of months is like… and i tell you… it’s HARD. you’ll get through it. i’ll pray for you, linds… truly. ps. your baby girl is a DOLL.
Comment by Lindsay — March 2, 2010 @ 4:53 am
That hormone crash during the first 6 weeks is HARD. Honestly, while I have no fear or nerves about labor and birth this time around, I am much more worried about that –partly because I know it’s coming. We talk so much about labor, I think we forget to talk about a process the afterpangs like the roller coaster, the anxiety, and engorgement… but that’s another story. I used to wake up frequently after having nightmares that I fell asleep while nursing Gwen and had smothered her. I have never prayed so hard or so frequently in my life as I did during Gwen’s first 3 months.
But you can do it. You have the capacity to give Addison what she needs from you, and the Lord and his angels (both living and otherworldly) will make up whatever difference there is. You are in our prayers. We love you, and we love Addison. We’ve never even met her, but I don’t know what we ever did without her. She’ll be fine. She’ll be strong. And Heavenly Father sent her to you because she belongs in your family and will receive blessings through your parenthood that she needs.
Comment by Aislin — March 2, 2010 @ 2:35 pm
When I see so many sweet, good-natured little darling babies I often get scared myself. I guess it’s because I realize that all the hurting, evil, or otherwise miserable people in the world were just as sweet as my little fellow at one time. All I can say, is that it makes Rapunzel’s tower seem like a good idea sometimes.
Comment by Rachel C — March 2, 2010 @ 4:35 pm
Aislin’s thoughts (comment #7) mirror my own. I reflect them back to you again!
Robert Louis Stevenson once said, “If you miss the joy, you miss it all!” Rejoice in the journey. Keep its memories in your heart.
Try to not take it all too seriously: a sense of humor can tickle little Addison’s funnybone, and you will all be happier for it.
Recognize that hormones play havoc at this time. My freshman B/M teacher, Grant Shields, used to say he’d walk in on his wife, who at the time had just given birth to their 8th(?), Windy, and his wife would be weeping on the bed. Why? She couldn’t say. He told us it just happens, and frequently, throughout marriage (not just w/birth). He told us to prepare that this would be, learn to face it boldly, since it is part of life. Good and bad. Happy and sad. Mad and glad. Rejoice that you feel. “Man is that he might ['feel']…,” he would say, not just, “man is that he might have joy.”
But, you and Neal have the most delightful, quirky, comic gifts that I know. Your little Sage knew that when you picked each other to be family, so…
she expects to be handled with a modicum of humor and JOY. As they say in the commercial, “It’s in there!” You all have it inside. You’ll be superb!
Comment by Lorie — March 2, 2010 @ 9:57 pm
Lindsay: 1) You are so brave to write this post. It is so easy to hide these scary, and sometimes ugly feelings from others, but it is so much better to share them. I hope the feedback you’re getting is lightening your load. 2) You are smart: you know that this is related to your hormones. When I’m in a similar place, it helps me to tell myself that over and over. It’s not you: it’s just your response to powerful chemicals that are a necessary part of the childbirth experience for many women. 3) You are not alone. I think to some extent, all mothers know what you’re feeling. And even when the hormonal hurricane subsides, these feelings will still surface, just in a different way. I don’t know if you read CJane, but I’ve become hooked on her in the last 18 months (her button is on my blog). She wrote an incredible piece for an online writing group called Segullah that was so powerful and helpful to me, and I think you may appreciate it as well: http://segullah.org/cjane-speaks/1860/
P.S. Be on the look out: I put something bright and sweet in the mail for you today!
Comment by Vickie Blanchard — March 2, 2010 @ 10:43 pm
Can I also just say I never thought you’d use the word “pimping” in your blog? I love how you always keep me on my toes. When will I ever plumb the depths of your glorious and intriguing personality? (I hope never!)
Comment by Vickie Blanchard — March 2, 2010 @ 10:46 pm
[...] another true confession to verify what I said about having a terrifically good baby: in two weeks, Addison has never spit up on either me or Neal. Seriously. Not once. She spit [...]
Pingback by Two weeks « Don’t call us, we’ll call you — March 3, 2010 @ 7:50 pm
All I can say is, “Welcome to parenthood!!!” Basically the minute they are born the instinct to fret and worry kicks in! And it seems like all the sudden there are endless things to worry about. It’s exhausting really. Good thing they are so cute and fun to have besides all the heartache. Hang in there, sounds like you are doing great. Your baby is darling, Ruby can’t wait to chill with her this summer!!
Comment by Shannon Beckstead — March 6, 2010 @ 3:12 pm
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