Don’t call us, we’ll call you

September 4, 2009

A few random thoughts

Filed under: Incarceration research, Personal, Pregnancy — Tags: , , , , , — llcall @ 2:30 am

1.  The rash that I introduced you to here is still with me.  It ranges from consistently annoying (during the day) to how-in-the-heck-can-I-get-this-skin-off-me (during the night).  On Tuesday, I see doctor #5 who will weigh in on the itch that keeps on giving, and likely disagree with at least doctors #1, 2, and 3.  This is the way it works, no?

2.  So obviously sleep has eluded me fairly consistently since mid-June.  And it’s given me a lot of time to think (too much if you ask Neal).  I’ve also written quite a bit in the middle of the night and then debated whether such things should see the light of day.  Some days I tell myself that this is my blog and I can post whatever I want, even if some of it comes from less-than-happy moments.  But then I think about how blogs generally work and all the life-affirming comments people would perhaps feel compelled to make, and I decide that this is not the place.  But then I think about a friend from church (that’s you, Rachel C.) and how when I shared something really sad one day in Relief Society, she said she was glad because it seems like people don’t really talk about those things.  And I just go back and forth…care to weigh in anyone?

3.  At least one of my loyal readers (that’s you, Auds) probably feels quite betrayed that I started this blog ostensibly to chronicle my thesis work and let people into the world of incarceration, and have really failed miserably at doing this for many months.  So here’s a little tidbit from one of my interviews, not so much about incarceration, but probably just about people, society, etc.

Me: How do you feel about money?

Andy: It’s the best thing.

I know I have a more ambivalent/agonizing relationship with money than a lot of people, but I just can’t get past this thought.  Perhaps it’s as much the way he said it, as the actual words.  He was such an understated, not very talkative guy.  He wasn’t making a statement, just answering my question.

I wish I could say why I’m so haunted by his answer.  Perhaps it is the exact words afterall, because they take me back to a beautiful scene from an amazingly, beautiful book (Toni Morrison’s Beloved).  A mother tortured by the loss of her child, “She was my best thing.”  And her partner’s response, “You your best thing, Sethe. You are.”  I guess I just want weightier things to be attached to words like “best thing.”

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6 Comments »

  1. Well, I do enjoy hearing about incarceration. Call me crazy but it’s not only facinating but you tell the most interesting angles. …but, I guess I can hear about your life, too. 😉

    Here’s a thought. I would love to hear the more penetrating a difficult thoughts you have about what you are going through. Maybe pass them through a couple edits and make a couple words more positive than you would normally and maybe it will come out just right–possibly. (That’s my recipe.) But whether you write it online or not, I hope we will get a chance to talk because I want to hear. Love you so much. I don’t know how you survive your days but I appreciate that you do.

    Comment by Audrey — September 4, 2009 @ 4:51 am

  2. Good luck with the itch. I promise I won’t affirm life if you just want to scream a little on your blog.

    Comment by Nikki — September 4, 2009 @ 12:51 pm

  3. My friends have secret private blogs that only a few ppl who they know can handle it are allowed access. I’ve been thinking of starting one for all those things you don’t want Grandma or random school friend to read 😀

    Comment by kei02003 — September 4, 2009 @ 1:38 pm

  4. We are the whole package! Love ya.

    Comment by holly — September 4, 2009 @ 3:46 pm

  5. Quite frankly, it seems our society subtly teaches us that we should be compassionate with people with problems, but that we should never fess up to any of our own. Since we can control everything visible on a blog, it is only susceptible to this mask of perfection. Personally, I think your thesis is fascinating and wouldn’t mind more posts about it. Yet if someone’s life that I don’t even know is interesting, how much more so, the person that I know, whatever that entails.

    Comment by Rachel — September 4, 2009 @ 4:54 pm

  6. Wait, I don’t see what was wrong with Andy’s response. Haha.

    Comment by Elizabeth Harris — September 5, 2009 @ 8:21 pm


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