Don’t call us, we’ll call you

January 16, 2011

Becoming strong

Filed under: Personal — Tags: , , , , — llcall @ 8:30 am

In case you were wondering, we were absolutely, positively going to finish the project on Saturday.  The baby seemed to be better and despite being quite sleep-deprived, I was driven to get it done once and for all.  And then about mid-day, things once again veered unexpectedly.  I won’t share any details because it involves other people and their personal, private experiences, but suffice it to say that I spent the afternoon crying.  My timeline could be a bit off, but by about 6:00 as I tried to hunker down and get back to work, I began to feel that the terrible headache I was nursing was going to make it difficult to keep going.  By 7:30 I could tell that I was in the middle of the most intense migraine of my life, and the only thing to do was to lay flat on my back in the dark.  By 8:30 I was puking my guts out (seriously, I thought at least one vital organ was going to make an untimely exit).

I spent the next three hours unable to sleep, move, eat, talk.  But I did something I don’t always do so persistently — I prayed.  And I did another thing that I do altogether too much — I reflected.  I decided a few things: first, this has actually been one of the worst weeks of my life.  I don’t say that lightly and I’m not being overly dramatic.  Some things I thought I knew and could depend on were broken, lost, shattered.  And it hurt like all get-out.  And it will continue to hurt for a long time.

But around 11:30, a new thought began to take shape.  A vision, really.  I could see that years down the road, this week will remain an important one.  A turning point.  All these metaphors began to flood my mind.

  • A favorite scene from Apollo 13 — when Ed Harris famously says, “With all due respect, sir, I believe this is going to be our finest hour” rather than concede that a disaster is about to happen.
  • The phoenix that rises up from the ashes to new life.
  • An Ernest Hemingway quote: “Life breaks us all, and many are strong at the broken places.”

And I learned again, as I’ve learned many times before, that our finest hours necessarily spring from our lowest lows.  It’s hard to rise above those ashes, but it’s the only way to be born again (when will I stop marveling that we all have to be born again and again and again?).  So today I’m more than a little bit broken; I was faced with some hard realities about things in my life that need to change.  But I also decided, I will be stronger at these broken places.

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7 Comments »

  1. This was a most inspiring post; I’m sorry it has to come at such great expense. Prayers and thoughts for you and yours.

    Comment by Elizabeth — January 16, 2011 @ 11:12 am

  2. You are also in my prayers, Lindsay. And how awful/fortunate that growth often occurs during such trying times. What a remarkable woman you are.

    Comment by Jen — January 16, 2011 @ 2:14 pm

  3. More prayers for you. I will trying calling you after church today. If you are not up to talking or don’t want to, that’s ok, though.

    Comment by Vickie Blanchard — January 16, 2011 @ 4:00 pm

  4. Wow. I’m so sorry that SOOO many things have combined against you lately. I’m glad you have such an amazing attitude about it, though! Way to be! Let me know if I can help with anything.

    Comment by Genny — January 17, 2011 @ 12:37 am

  5. I wish I could help you, somehow! You are so strong and wise to learn from this experience. Know that my thoughts and prayers are with you! I would be happy to take the baby any evening this week, if you need someone to watch her.

    Comment by Kristin — January 17, 2011 @ 10:06 pm

  6. Y’all are rockstars.

    Know that you’re in my thoughts, like always.

    Comment by Brandon — January 18, 2011 @ 3:00 am

  7. Wishing I could be there to help you out, Lindsay! I don’t know what it is about growing up, but it’s certainly not easy. I’ve had my fair share of those moments in recent years. It’s almost that much more difficult, too, because when it involves others personal experiences, it’s difficult to know when you should not–and when it is safe–to open up about it. Keeping it inside is all the more difficult; at least for me, because so much of my healing comes from talking/writing about/addressing those things which are difficult for me at the time. Otherwise, I tend to try not to face the situations at all–but I lose a part of me indefinitely through the process. I hope you can continue forward with the faith I see you demonstrating often. You are a marvelous woman, mother, friend, etc!! If you are able to go to Nikki’s part on Saturday, I would love to see you there (I will be in town Thursday-Monday). If not, and you are able–because heaven (and please do)FORBID me from adding to the madness you have recently encountered with this project–I would love to stop by another time during my trip, if possible. Please know, you are in my thoughts and prayers. And good for you for praying. Those moments are very difficult for me to pray–when I feel so utterly lost–and I sometimes just. don’t. want. to. because I hurt so, so badly and I don’t want to FEEL another darn thing. I only wish I could do more for you. I am so, so sorry. Love ya lots and lots! Seriously, you are just wonderful!

    Comment by Meg Romney — January 18, 2011 @ 6:35 am


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