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April 12, 2012

Brain dump

In the last couple of years I have become increasingly sensitive to noise.  Right now Neal’s computer is making a high-pitched beep (in the middle of a long, slow death, no doubt) and I’m about ready to crawl out of my skin.  I can’t focus on anything else.  I’ve put on headphones and turned the music up as high as I can stand and I still feel like I’m hearing that %$& beep.  I don’t remember being like this just a few short years ago.  I also started getting migraines around the same time.  I also had a baby around the same time.  Coincidence?

Speaking of cursing, last night, in a brief fit of frustration, I yelled damnit.  I used to drop hells and damns periodically (keep it biblical, one of my teachers used to say) but I broke that habit quite a few years ago.  And then over the last month I’ve noticed that they’re creeping back into my mental vocabulary.  I’ve also been feeling terribly sick and tired over the last month, the worst spell I’ve had in more than a year.  Coincidence?

On the upside, when I woke up this morning, I had an email in my inbox from my credit union that read “April 21: Free document shredding, food, drinks, and family fun.”  I was disproportionately happy to find out that in a week and a half I could get free document shredding.  Hooray!!

Right now I’m listening to Kate Bush’s “This Woman’s Work.” (Can you tell that music video is from 1987?)  Hands down, one of the most emotional songs for me.  I get choked up almost every time, even though I’ve heard it a hundred times before.

I said yesterday that I wanted to write about teaching Relief Society this week, but as I started writing I realized that it was nearly impossible to communicate what I was trying to say without a lot of context.  Like 25 years of context.  So when I couldn’t sleep last night I wrote an outline of a sort of spiritual history.  I think I’ll have to work on that first, which feels like a worthy endeavor to record where I’ve been and where I’m at in a more big-picture way.

I’ve really been thinking along the lines of recording my personal history lately.  Our Relief Society has a monthly life writing class (hosted by this fabulous lady, a mentor of mine since my teens) that meets to talk about effective writing skills and read each others’ writings.  I had thought about going for awhile, but I always seemed to find out about it a day or two late.  I’m finally on the master email list and so I went last month (which is what prompted me to finally write about Oliver).  It was exhilarating to say the least.   We talked.  We laughed.  We cried (although I think I was the only one that elicited tissues from others — what can I say, I’m a weeper!).  I think it was one of the most enjoyable social events I’ve been to in this new locale.  I wouldn’t mind men being included (in fact, I would love for Neal to be involved in something like that) but I can see how having women-only probably creates a safer space for some.  I am just so moved by women writing their own stories.

The other reason I’ve been thinking so much about personal history is because my blogging friend Jessica (we do know each other in real life too, from an old ward, but never spent too much time together) is kind of writing hers on her blog.  She did a Dating Diaries series, and now she’s on to Fun with Friends.  I love reading what she’s written and every time I think, I should write about that too.  My memories are fading with each passing day (and having a child seems to have expedited the process).  Now is the time (even though it feels like there isn’t time, since we have this pesky little task of trying to build an income, the many over-60 ladies in the writing group assure me that now is the time!).  I’ve outlined a Dating Diaries-type series.  And I’m in the middle of a series on therapy.  And now I’ve got this spiritual history in progress.  And a piece for the next writing class on my physical appearance, which I’m pretty sure Rach will have to make an appearance in.  I’m excited to see what shakes out.  That’s one perk of being sick, but not too sick . . . if I stay in this state, more will “shake out” than if I get better and Neal has a legitimate beef over my neglect of our room.


1 Comment »

  1. I like you’re concept for this post, “Brain Dump.” I might copy it one of these days. So jealous of that life writing class! I would love to do that!

    Comment by v. blanchard — April 12, 2012 @ 1:21 am

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