The votes are in . . .

. . . and the internet gave this victory to Neal by a landslide. (You won something, babe! Though you might have been stacking the deck with your cartoons.) It was really interesting to read everyone’s perspectives. Thanks for weighing in!

Honestly, I was very surprised that (1) that just became my most-commented post ever and (2) the vote wasn’t closer (between Facebook, the blogs, and private emails and phone calls, it ended up at about 18 to 8). I thought there was a fair chance Neal would win this one, but I had no idea how adamant many of you feel about this issue. That said, Neal thinks that if I had written about our dilemma a bit differently, I might have gotten different reactions because really I think a number of issues got entwined that, to me, are only tangentially related. In particular, it was perhaps not clear that I was talking only about affection within our immediate family.

Basically, what it boils down to for me is that giving a goodnight kiss or hug should be one of our family rituals. A family ritual like that is, in my mind, not merely appropriate but good and right. Granted, if Addison had body issues like On Call Mom mentioned I would rethink this ritual, but in Addison’s case that is clearly not in play. I see now that in my efforts to not over-complicate the question or psychoanalyze Neal (cause believe me there’s a lot of places I could go with that!), I left it open for many issues to mingle together, like forcing her to hug more distant relatives, or what kinds of “persuasion” would be defined as forcing her to use her body in a way she doesn’t want to, etc. Still, if I am understanding many of your opinions, even if it was phrased as more of a basic family ritual question, most of you do not feel comfortable soliciting physical affection from a child that he or she is reluctant to give. Fair enough . . . I certainly learned something about other people’s take on parenting that I wasn’t quite expecting. And this has spun off a lot of interesting discussions, in part, because Neal and I have to physically “force” Addison to do a lot of things with her body she doesn’t want to do right now, everything from diaper changes to bathing, teeth-brushing to holding hands while crossing the street. I’m sure there’s another post in there somewhere, someday.

Having acknowledged that Neal is the unequivocal winner of the internet skirmish, and wanting to make clear that I read, considered, and appreciated all the opinions offered, I’ve decided that I’m still going to win this battle. Three of the four people that live with and know Addison best agree that she is a very willful little girl (well, Neal agrees with that too, he’s just not a disciplinarian), and giving in to her many and varied demands will be a bad idea. Children’s autonomy and decision-making is something I take seriously, but if we let her determine her own bedtime routine it would not only involve no hug, but also no diaper, teeth-brushing, or prayer. I do think I am going to try variations on two particular suggestions: one from Michele (giving Addison a choice between a hug or a kiss) and one from TakJensen (modeling more hugging and cuddling between me and Neal — cause there’s always room for more!).

In this case, I learned that sometimes you only know how strongly your parenting instinct is at play when you hear many thoughtful, articulate reasons to reconsider and still, deep down, feel that this is the best path for your child’s development.

Till next time . . . on The Parenting Ref.

P.S. If you missed the Facebook thread, Neal’s cousin Kali had one of the best comments of the day: “Get a dog. Henry loves to cuddle.” Oh, if only every parenting dilemma could be solved by getting a dog!